Horrorscope Archives
Four.
Aries
(March 21–April 19)
This is the way the world ends: not with a bang. So you can rule that one out.
Taurus
(April 20–May 20)
You'll have a harder time than usual with finances this month, as will everyone else who's in the bank when the fire breaks out.
Gemini
(May 21–June 20)
You're right to assume your curiosity will get you killed one of these days, but, oh boy, just wait 'til you see how!
Cancer
(June 21–July 22)
It's okay to put your own needs first sometimes. You'll have plenty of time to worry about others after you've stopped yourself from bleeding out.
Leo
(July 23–Aug. 22)
Your excellent fight or flight instincts will be little help toward the end of the week when you'll find you're unable to do either.
Virgo
(Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
Sometimes settling for “done” is better than endlessly striving for “perfect,” Virgo. That barricade doesn’t have to be your best work; it just has to keep them out for another night.
Libra
(Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
You may be conflict-avoidant, Libra, but no one ever said you were bad at conflict. And after tonight, no one ever will.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
There’s an opportunity approaching that’ll be a dream come true for you! No, not that dream — the other one, with all the spiders.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
The stars will only say this once: Are you sure it’s dead?
Capricorn
(Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
As an earth sign, Capricorn, you tend not to trust your intuition. But you already know you aren't alone in the house, don't you?
Aquarius
(Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
It can be tough when your beliefs and goals don’t line up with everyone else’s, but it’s important to follow your own path. Those summer camp kids aren’t going to terrorize themselves!
Pisces
(Feb. 19–March 20)
Honestly, the stars have no idea what this month holds for you. They're light years away, and they don't give a shit.
Three.
Aries
(March 21–April 19)
If the heavens have no mercy for the rest of us, what makes you think they'll spare any for the likes of you?
Taurus
(April 20–May 20)
Risks won't pay off for you right now. Consider waiting until next month before trying to outwit the devil.
Gemini
(May 21–June 20)
Geminis have strong social skills, which unfortunately won’t be of much help after society collapses.
Cancer
(June 21–July 22)
It's true you can't solve all of your problems at once, but try seeing how far you can get with that machete. You might surprise yourself!
Leo
(July 23–Aug. 22)
If you don't turn too quickly, you can pretend it isn't in the room with you. Good, good – just like that.
Virgo
(Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
You'll be struck by sudden inspiration this month, but you'll ultimately squander this feeling, and nothing will change.
Libra
(Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
The stars don't know what it is, but it's coming for you. Not much longer now.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
You'll discover a hidden talent this month! Better hope it's sprinting.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
Once Mercury moves into your house this month, it'll be easy to tell something is terribly wrong with its orbit.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
As a Capricorn, you work well within a well-defined structure, which is good, because the bars of this cage aren't budging.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
The universe is asking you to sit still, pay attention, and listen to your inner voice. Don't fall for it — keep running.
Pisces
(Feb. 19–March 20)
If you're single, Pisces, consider an Aries as a partner. The two of you are the alpha and omega of the Zodiac, both dreamers, and together, you will create a new and terrible nightmare.
Two.
Aries
(March 21–April 19)
Your last horoscope implied the tall, dark stranger you were to meet would be human. The stars apologize for any inconvenience.
Taurus
(April 20–May 20)
Don't torture yourself over your mistakes. This is hell's purpose, and its knives are sharp.
Gemini
(May 21–June 20)
It's good to keep an eye on your health, but don't obsess over it. Those bones inside you won't last forever.
Cancer
(June 21–July 22)
Consider taking some time to find yourself. They couldn't have gotten THAT far with your body.
Leo
(July 23–Aug. 22)
There is no god. Surely that’s enough for horror for one month.
Virgo
(Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
The stars understand this is not what you wanted. This is not what any of us wanted.
Libra
(Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
You’ll be able to spend a lot of time with loved ones this month in the hospital after the thing lurking under your bed rips your legs off.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
Sometimes it helps to remember that this, too, shall pass away, and rot beneath the earth.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
You won't sleep when you're dead, either.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
Don't worry so much about disappointing your loved ones. At least, not their original copies.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
Trust what your gut is telling you: something has definitely burrowed inside your intestines.
Pisces
(Feb. 19–March 20)
This is a good month for a journey – get on a bus and go somewhere new! Maybe you can escape while it isn't watching.
One.
Aries
(March 21–April 19)
“You or her?” it will ask in the darkness, “You, or her?” and you’ll choose her. God help you, you’ll choose her.
Taurus
(April 20–May 20)
Put your ego aside when dealing with technological issues this week. It won’t matter much longer, anyway.
Gemini
(May 21–June 20)
The duality of your sign is about to get much more literal, thanks to a maniac with a chainsaw.
Cancer
(June 21–July 22)
If you’re considering a new career path, don’t let your fear of the unknown hold you back. You can have a new job while still being terrified of the unrelenting darkness coming for us all.
Leo
(July 23–Aug. 22)
A mistake from your past will return to haunt you this week. Also, ghosts.
Virgo
(Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
Today is an exceptionally good day to finish a project. Ask a friend to help you find the source of those noises under the floorboards once and for all.
Libra
(Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
The stars believe it's kinder not to reveal what's about to happen to you. For what it's worth, though, they are very, very sorry.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
Success on all levels is making you feel absolutely wonderful right now, but you may come to regret correctly summoning that demon.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
You’re no stranger to the night, Sagittarius. But this time will be different.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
Try not to worry so much about the future. The blüdworms can sense your fear, and it excites them.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
There's no time for horoscopes now. Run. RUN.
Pisces
(Feb. 19–March 20)
You’ll be more persuasive than usual this week, making it a good time to ask for a raise or negotiate a Faustian bargain.