Horrorscopes
Not even the stars can help you now.
Aries
Aries aren't the biggest team players, but try to remember that there's no "i" in "AUGH! GET THEM OFF ME! GET THEM OFF ME!"
Taurus
Tauruses have sensuality in spades, which is why no Taurus has ever survived all the way through a horror movie.
Gemini
It’s fine if you don’t believe in the stars, with all their ancient wisdom. The stars don’t believe in you, either.
Cancer
Situations like this don't come along very often, so take advantage of it. You only get one apocalypse.
Leo
You can't be the center of attention all the time, so stop screaming, already. ...STOP SCREAMING.
Virgo
The difference this month between helping a friend out of obligation or helping them gladly will make little difference to the outcome. Now fetch the wooden stake.
Libra
Focus all of your attention on work matters. Intense, disciplined concentration is key to pyrokinesis.
Scorpio
Now’s not the right time for a major change — and so, bone by bone, quietly pack all of your skeletons back into the closet.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius is a fire sign, which makes what the stars have in store for you this week pretty ironic.
Capricorn
With all of your modern conveniences, Capricorn, what could you possibly fear?
Aquarius
Neptune will be in your house later this month. Be sure to barricade your doors before he arrives.
Pisces
A hopeless romantic at heart, Pisces is all about the fairytale. The fairytale in store this month, however, is one of the original Grimm Brothers' versions.